Language or the Kiss

don't know if it was real or in a dream
lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been
there was a table set for six and five were there
i stood outside and kept my eyes upon the empty chair
there was steam on the windows from the kitchen
laughter like a language I once spoke with ease
but I'm made mute by the virtue of decision
and I choose your life goes on without me

oh, the fear I've known 
that I might reap the praise of strangers
and end up on my own
all I've sold is a song
but maybe I was wrong

I said to you
the one gift that I'd adore
is a package at door
?????? years unfolding
but you told me if I had my way
i'd be bored i'd be bored
????

when we last talked we were lying
on our backs
looking at the sky
looking through the ceiling
i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway
trying to read the greek upon the stars
the alphabet of feeling

all i knew back then
there was a calling that said
if joy then pain
the sound the voice these years later
is still the same

i am alone in a hotel room tonight
i squeeze the sky out
but there's not a star appears
making my studies with this paper and this pencil
and i'm working through the grammar of my fears
oh mercy mercy
what i want ?
to have the things that mean the most
ought to mean the things i miss
unforgiving choice it is
language or the kiss